The Meltdown

No other word can adequately capture the magnitude of today’s emotional and social roller coaster. What a mess. How disheartening to know that you have to repent only hours after taking the sacrament (though, if I were more honest with myself, I bet I would realize this more often the case than I would care to admit).

It’s ironic that such a day should happen after such a great weekend.

I’ve been concerned for several weeks now if I’ve been going too far with my barbed humor with certain people. I’ve been asking them increasingly if I’ve gone too far. Hm. The doubt should have been a key indicator that I had gone too far. Was I that addicted to sarcasm? Thinking honestly about it and my purpose, I don't think so...with this particular person, I realize I was using it to keep him at a distance. (We have something of a past. He's very much not my type and tried to jump into my life headlong last year and didn't bother to take the time to build any trust and I had to be very verbally explicit to stop him and then I guess the sarcasm-maintained distance was self-preservation, keeping him from feeling invited to pursue again). But I think Brother Merrill is right. Sarcasm is pernicious, and, further, teasing is always hurtful, regardless of intention.

So I feel very guilty that he's been hurt. But guilt is only a useful emotion inasmuch as it spurs you on to progress and growth. So what am I going to do about it? Being made sensitive is the best way to develop strength in these kinds of areas. I’m looking forward to talking to this one guy and working to clear things up. Shifting my way of interacting with him. I want to be kind to everyone...that's who I am (I should be nicer to those arrogant people, too, though. You know what. I tend to evaluate people pretty early on in our aquaintance. If someone rubs me the wrong way, I'm not going to spend any time around them. Life is short and you have limited time, so you should spend it around people you like. I think that's still valid, even if it sounds harsh and judgmental. But I do need to make more of an effort to be kinder to those I don't really want to spend time with when I am around them). I'm looking forward to some very honest communication so he keeps his distance and I can start being a lot kinder to him.